You know the moment when you’ve been lost in the flow of the dance, moving along with the rhythm on autopilot and then the music stops, the beat changes or the lights come on, you stop and feel startled, not totally sure what to do, can’t quite get back into the new beat, try, feel out of it and do the awkward dance for a while or just walk away to get a drink until something else comes on.
That’s this week for me. Nothing bad has happened, but the song has changed and my usual daily pulse is lost and I’ve been thrown off kilter. Can’t leave the dance floor though. I’m in it and I told them I’d dance to this song.
I didn’t realise how systematised my habits and body has become until I came to London to do a new job and yesterday by 7pm I was balling tears into the fridge at my brothers house claiming I wanted to go home; I couldn’t do it. I wanted my bed, my love, my home and all the things I am used to.
I can do it and today I’m fine, but I was startled and overwhelmed – this isn’t what I’m used to anymore and it’s taking me some days to adjust.
I’m getting woken up at 5am for various reasons, I’m sleeping on a sofa next to a main road with police lights flashing at my shut eyes, but I can still see the colourscape in my mind. The cat nibbles my toes. I don’t have my guitar for creative relief; I have none of my home comforts and kitchen condiments. My phone barely works and I’m reliant on over priced inconsistent London transport without the freedom of my Berlin bike. I’m inside all day as opposed to being out and about in the elements. I’m sat at a laptop and standing, watching, not moving, making, stretching and climbing like I’m used to.
This is tough for me, but when I put it down like that I know how small and so minor it is comparatively when you look at all the people in the world who are thrown from their homes for reasons beyond their control, when they didn’t choose to, to new countries, fleeing war, violence etc. I only came to London for a job and I’m struggling. I can’t even begin to imagine the feelings of the Rohingya of whom almost 500,000 have fled their homes since Aug 25th. It puts it into perspective and helps me ‘get over it’ and smile and make the most of what I’ve got, and I’ve got alot, but it’s still tough. It’s relative.
My body and system are confused. My hunger is striking, and my sleep is restless and my mind is anxious. I had sought, for years, for the habitual home-based nature of my current life, the one I’ve been carving for myself since 2015 when I jumped Circus space ship and settled in Berlin. I had never had consistency or healthy patterns. I craved it deeply and as much as I can sometimes complain that my life is too ‘regimented’ I have grown so used to the groove that it has become my foundation and it keeps me in check. I like the rhythm, and I just fit my madness, fun and adventures in between the givens of rest and sleep and food and movement.
But, this little break in pattern and trip to my old home has thrown me. I used to live like this, a nomad, with fewer possessions, in other people’s spaces, in squats, on floors, on couches, caravan floors and studios made in articulated circus lorries. I feel like it’s not for me anymore. Am I too old? I thought I would be OK and I will be, but it takes some readjusting. Luckily I am very conscious of what makes me feel OK and what I need and what I like. So, once my work is done and I’ve done what I’ve promised, I must prioritise those things that keep me ticking and smiling.
The first thing – sleep – can be resolved more easily. Ear plugs and an eye mask. Early to bed and get my full 8 hours.
Food requires some better planning and more regular trips to M&S. I’ve packed double portions today so I’m not left wanting and frantic.
Fun can be simply looking at my brother as he cracks me the fuck up. HA.
I have sent out messages to my clients today to stay close and in communication and will call my mother tonight and see an old friend tomorrow. This will keep me full – I thrive off of people and hate being disconnected from my nearest and dearest.
I will go to another early morning Ashtanga at Triyoga this week, do a yin session tonight and try and move more throughout the day when I can.
I will try and track down a guitar to tinkle on or just go for a long walk and a sing. Something to get my musical mediation time in – feeds my soul.
This is so progressive for me though!! I never used to know what I needed. I was so out of touch. I had NO idea what made me tick, what made me feel good or bad or sad or revived. I was clueless. I couldn’t look after myself and constantly set myself up for unnecessary stress and misery. Years of investigation, challenging my norms and behaviour patterns has paid off and now I have literal lists that clearly state what I need, what I value, what I want and what I enjoy, because I forget and need reminding sometimes.
So, yesterday when I panic-stationed and freaked out, I calmed myself down my talking to someone about how I felt and thankfully they were supportive and listened. I did some deep breathing, let myself feel how I felt for a while but didn’t let it consume me, I just said – I feel like shit, I’m hungry and tired and want to go home – I didn’t ignore it, I had a massive cry until it was gone and then, I looked at my list of what I need to feel OK, sat down and made a plan about how to go about getting all of them. And boom. Things are better. Crisis averted. I didn’t run away like I felt like doing or lash out at someone or go to the pub. My old tactics. I have been building new frame works for dealing with life and they are paying off. So far so good. Today is way better than yesterday. Winning.
The journey continues.