I'm in it and I told them I'd dance to this song.

You know the moment when you’ve been lost in the flow of the dance, moving along with the rhythm on autopilot and then the music stops, the beat changes or the lights come on, you stop and feel startled, not totally sure what to do, can’t quite get back into the new beat, try, feel out of it  and do the awkward dance for a while or just walk away to get a drink until something else comes on.

That’s this week for me. Nothing bad has happened, but the song has changed and my usual daily pulse is lost and I’ve been thrown off kilter. Can’t leave the dance floor though. I’m in it and I told them I’d dance to this song.

I didn’t realise how systematised my habits and body has become until I came to London to do a new job and yesterday by 7pm I was balling tears into the fridge at my brothers house claiming I wanted to go home; I couldn’t do it. I wanted my bed, my love, my home and all the things I am used to.

I can do it and today I’m fine, but I was startled and overwhelmed – this isn’t what I’m used to anymore and it’s taking me some days to adjust.

I’m getting woken up at 5am for various reasons, I’m sleeping on a sofa next to a main road with police lights flashing at my shut eyes, but I can still see the colourscape in my mind. The cat nibbles my toes. I don’t have my guitar for creative relief; I have none of my home comforts and kitchen condiments. My phone barely works and I’m reliant on over priced inconsistent London transport without the freedom of my Berlin bike. I’m inside all day as opposed to being out and about in the elements. I’m sat at a laptop and standing, watching, not moving, making, stretching and climbing like I’m used to.

This is tough for me, but when I put it down like that I know how small and so minor it is comparatively when you look at all the people in the world who are thrown from their homes for reasons beyond their control, when they didn’t choose to, to new countries, fleeing war, violence etc. I only came to London for a job and I’m struggling. I can’t even begin to imagine the feelings of the Rohingya of whom almost 500,000 have fled their homes since Aug 25th. It puts it into perspective and helps me ‘get over it’ and smile and make the most of what I’ve got, and I’ve got alot, but it’s still tough. It’s relative.

My body and system are confused. My hunger is striking, and my sleep is restless and my mind is anxious. I had sought, for years, for the habitual home-based nature of my current life, the one I’ve been carving for myself since 2015 when I jumped Circus space ship and settled in Berlin. I had never had consistency or healthy patterns. I craved it deeply and as much as I can sometimes complain that my life is too ‘regimented’ I have grown so used to the groove that it has become my foundation and it keeps me in check. I like the rhythm, and I just fit my madness, fun and adventures in between the givens of rest and sleep and food and movement.

But, this little break in pattern and trip to my old home has thrown me. I used to live like this, a nomad, with fewer possessions, in other people’s spaces, in squats, on floors, on couches, caravan floors and studios made in articulated circus lorries. I feel like it’s not for me anymore. Am I too old? I thought I would be OK and I will be, but it takes some readjusting. Luckily I am very conscious of what makes me feel OK and what I need and what I like. So, once my work is done and I’ve done what I’ve promised, I must prioritise those things that keep me ticking and smiling.







The first thing – sleep – can be resolved more easily. Ear plugs and an eye mask. Early to bed and get my full 8 hours.

Food requires some better planning and more regular trips to M&S. I’ve packed double portions today so I’m not left wanting and frantic.

Fun can be simply looking at my brother as he cracks me the fuck up. HA.

I have sent out messages to my clients today to stay close and in communication and will call my mother tonight and see an old friend tomorrow. This will keep me full – I thrive off of people and hate being disconnected from my nearest and dearest.

I will go to another early morning Ashtanga at Triyoga this week, do a yin session tonight and try and move more throughout the day when I can.

I will try and track down a guitar to tinkle on or just go for a long walk and a sing. Something to get my musical mediation time in – feeds my soul.

This is so progressive for me though!! I never used to know what I needed. I was so out of touch. I had NO idea what made me tick, what made me feel good or bad or sad or revived. I was clueless. I couldn’t look after myself and constantly set myself up for unnecessary stress and misery. Years of investigation, challenging my norms and behaviour patterns has paid off and now I have literal lists that clearly state what I need, what I value, what I want and what I enjoy, because I forget and need reminding sometimes.

So,  yesterday when I panic-stationed and freaked out, I calmed myself down my talking to someone about how I felt and thankfully they were supportive and listened.  I did some deep breathing, let myself feel how I felt for a while but didn’t let it consume me, I just said – I feel like shit, I’m hungry and tired and want to go home – I didn’t ignore it, I had a massive cry until it was gone and then, I looked at my list of what I need to feel OK, sat down and made a plan about how to go about getting all of them. And boom. Things are better. Crisis averted. I didn’t run away like I felt like doing or lash out at someone or go to the pub. My old tactics. I have been building new frame works for dealing with life and they are paying off.  So far so good. Today is way better than yesterday. Winning.

The journey continues.

"Don’t assume your students want to be touched and/or adjusted"

I went to a yoga class last week where the teacher came from behind me and rubbed tiger balm mixed with something icky all over my neck and it splogged on my toe. I felt really annoyed because she didn’t ask and I didn’t like it. The guy next to me was visibly watering at the eyes as his dose had been too strong –  we spent the rest of the class looking at each other’s burning eyes in despair. Hoping she wouldn’t come back and do it again.
Even with my longest standing clients I ask if they want to be assisted or mind me touching them or not as some days they feel OK and some they don’t.

Part of the initial assessment process is a questionnaire we go through in person or online which helps me to understand what things might make someone feel uncomfortable, what people like, dislike, have experienced in the past and to highlight any areas of my practice that might be sensitive to the person. Each person has had very different experiences and what is OK with one, will not be OK with another. Nothing can be assumed or taken for granted.

Before we even get to the touching I have to see how they feel about me being in their personal space, their flat and home, then being in their personal space and then, only then, touching.

It is a process and journey getting to know another person and how to work with them and even when you think you know, you must stay open and aware of how moods and feelings might be different from day to day. The work we do can put people in a vulnerable position emotionally as they work with their body in new ways and try to break old habits and put themselves out of their comfort zone.

I can resonate with this article as I have some issues myself where certain things will trigger a panic reaction in me, and they can be seemingly simple things that someone else might not be aware of. We shouldn’t go around on tip toes scared to upset people, but body work is a sensitive area and we should be compassionate towards others and take these things into consideration.


Your Addiction Makes Perfect Sense – Trauma and Addiction

Your Addiction Makes Perfect Sense – Trauma and Addiction

“Meditation, mindfulness, breathwork and yoga helped Julie reduce anxiety, transform fear and increase her ability to manage her emotions.”

Interesting article on trauma and addiction

“The Trauma-Addiction Connection

While experiencing a trauma doesn’t guarantee that a person will develop an addiction, research clearly suggests that trauma is a major underlying source of addiction behavior. These statistics (culled from a report issued by the National Center for Post-Traumatic Stress Disorder and the Department of Veterans Affairs) show the strong correlation between trauma and alcohol addiction:

  • Sources estimate that 25 and 75 percent of people who survive abuse and/or violent trauma develop issues related to alcohol abuse.
  • Accidents, illness or natural disasters translate to between 10 to 33 percent of survivors reporting alcohol abuse.
  • A diagnosis of PTSD (post-traumatic stress disorder) increases the risk of developing alcohol abuse.
  • Female trauma survivors who do not struggle with PTSD face increased risk for an alcohol use disorder.
  • Male and female sexual abuse survivors experience a higher rate of alcohol and drug use disorders compared to those who have not survived such abuse.”






What I love.

I love my clients truly madly deeply. They work hard, open up, sweat, cry, laugh, shake, jiggle and challenge themselves.

I am so proud to know them and get to know their passions, loves, lives and get an insight into how they became who they are by listening to their stories and sharing time together.

I love waking up and getting ready to spend my day cycling around to see them all – I find joy in my work and I never thought that would happen for me. Sometimes the days are tough and all we can do is roll on the floor or drink a coffee in the sun, sometimes we push and push and sweat and pant and sometimes we pretend we’re ships in the mist howling out fog horns with our resistance bands on. Sometimes it’s a hug, sometimes just to get the moan out of the system. The results aren’t always six packs – it can be some lightness when the world is feeling heavy, a reminder of why we should be kind to ourselves, a nudge when you start to fall back into bad habits and a high five when you overcome challenges and meet goals.

This isn’t a bootcamp, this isn’t a military weight loss program. This is human to human, helping supporting, sharing, caring and encouraging. Being there and helping clear the leaves from the path that can be so hard to see sometimes.

Love . Movement . Compassion . Bitches . x

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